Please post only comments that are useful, helpful, constructive and practical.
This happened about eight months ago, and I’ve tried to be reasonable and put it past me but I’m really struggling.
I’ve been told what he did was reasonable, makes sense, etc, but I keep coming back to that moment of total abandonment and fear when I realized he’d run. I just feel completely alone around him now.
We were walking home from a work function at a bar at around 1am. Neither of us had drunk that evening so we weren’t even slightly tipsy. Two guys across the street from us crossed over and approached us asking if we knew where such-and-such a street was.
As fiancé turned around to point out where the street was, one of the guys pulled out a knife and told us to stop moving and to give him all our shit (phone, wallet, etc). I was surprised by how calm I was in the moment, and told them I needed to reach into my pocket to get my phone.
As I was doing that, the guy pressed the knife against my ribs as warning because I guess he was worried I had a gun (even though that’s pretty unlikely in my country). When this happened, my fiancé bolted.
It took me a bit to even realise he’d left me, and when I realised that he had run I was certain I was about to get badly hurt or die.
Fortunately, the thieves seemed to get kind of frightened by him getting away and just hurried me up. They took my phone, bag (with my purse with all my money, cards, personal effects), necklace and ran away. The whole ordeal from start to finish took maybe five minutes.
I was kind of in shock and wandered off back up the street, heading back towards the bar, not even really thinking. A few minutes later my fiancé found me and told me he called the police.
I found out that fiancé had run about a block away, calling for help as he ran. We were both okay physically, except for a tiny bit of broken skin on my ribs where they’d pressed the knife.
My fiancé says what he does makes sense – that if he’d hung around and it turns out they’d wanted to hurt us or worse, we’d both be fucked because no one else would be around to call the police or an ambulance.
That he wanted to be alive and able to help in case something happened to me. He also says that by running away, the thieves didn’t want to hang around any longer than necessary (which is true), which might have saved me.
His mum agrees and has praised him for not being an idiot, but my own mother has quietly told me she thinks he’s a coward for abandoning his wife-to-be.
Fiancé asked me not to tell our friends exactly what happened, because he says they wouldn’t understand his actions unless they were there.
My own thoughts are that, by running away, he potentially significantly decreased my chance of survival.
I’m only about 157cm (5’2”) and 51kgs (110lbs). He’s 178cm (5’10”) and 75kg (165lbs). The two guys were about his size. They would have been able to easily overpower/subdue me, but my fiancé there would have made it 2v2 (although we would have still been at a disadvantage, them still having a knife and size advantage) and not left me completely at the mercy of two criminals who rob people at night.
I also wonder, what would have happened if him leaving me had given them the courage to do something worse? Like rape. I mean, I don’t think they would have – they seemed pretty interested in valuables and cash only – but what if?
I look at him and wonder, do I even want kids with him? If I did have a child with him, would he abandon him or her in a dangerous situation because it was the ‘smart’ thing to do?
I’ve lost a lot of attraction to him. He accuses me of wanting to use him as a meatshield just because he’s a man, and that what he did was smart and not the machismo stupidity I ‘wanted’ that could have gotten us both killed.
I didn’t want him to try to fight them… I just wanted him by my side. Which I guess is selfish, because it was a dangerous situation. I don’t feel safe around him anymore, which I used to. I’m even scared of the dark again, despite him lying in bed right next to me.
As I’m typing this, I don’t know what to think. We fortunately don’t have a wedding date set, so there’s no immediate pressure of marriage. Please help!